[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
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Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards