The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
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When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
“I FIXED IT!”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.