The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
You Might Also Like
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid