Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
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[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist