I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
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I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
black phone good
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration