My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
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it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
True statement👍😏😁
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
spicy snake
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it