If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
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My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.