{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
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My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.