Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
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Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.