“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
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Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.