Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
You Might Also Like
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
when there are deer in the woods
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Cndnsd Mlk
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely