Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
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Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
THIS HEADLINE
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.