Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
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The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker