This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
You Might Also Like
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
another case of gang violins
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Think I pulled my liver
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.