Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
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We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
the prophecies have been fulfilled
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something