My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
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Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.