[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst