I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
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[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Cat.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Happy Friday
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait