Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
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I don’t make the rules sorry
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.