I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
You Might Also Like
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Look at this
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
how was your vacation
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever