Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
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I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery