A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
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“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
These are too funny not to post 😂
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.