Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
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[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”