Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
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Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating