If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
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Not today.. 😂
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.