pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
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When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
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