Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
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Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
New comic up. “Ransom”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.