Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
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Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
All set.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot