14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
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kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
The cashier just checked me out.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Well, that should do it
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I never know how much to tip a cow.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead