Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
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Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”