How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
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[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.