SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
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superman landing like a plane on his belly
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
#SuperBowl
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story