Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
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(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.