On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
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Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER