I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
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The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg