my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
You Might Also Like
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
got so much cardio in today
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.