Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
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The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
You look like you would fail a DNA test
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
next question.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?