centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
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Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
My neck my back my allergy attack
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
“you recording!?”
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.