Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
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My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
The days of good grammer has went
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁