A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
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Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.