another case of gang violins
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Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.