tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
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Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
it be like that
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
🙄😏😂🤣
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers