My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
You Might Also Like
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
men, we mow at sunrise.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*