I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
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[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
man: wait
time: no
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.