where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Breaking news:
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
estão todos miauvindo?
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose