I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
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Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Not all heroes wear capes…
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
good work, everybody
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”