[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
You Might Also Like
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]