Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
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*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
☺️
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”