At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
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The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz