The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
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cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
*puts my mental health in rice
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*